Personal Column: Where is my happiness?


Lisette Lopez accepts here medal with her team at the district cross country meet. (Elin Kornehed photo)

The thoughts. The memories. They creep inside my head without even meaning to. Why are you in my head? Why can’t I sleep at night? Why is it that you’ve found happiness, and I still can’t manage to find one bit of it. I walk around school like nothing is wrong, like I am the happiest girl in the world. But am I? Or is it all just an act for people to believe? I still can’t answer that question myself. Everyday in the hallways, its just me. This time last year, it was you and me. Now? Its just me.

Senior year. Its time for a change. Its time to live my life to the fullest. Before, that was what I used to live by in the summer. And now? What changed? My summer was a perfect one. Now? You cannot get one answer from me about how my summer went. I got a job. I got my braces off. I conditioned all summer for soccer. I even managed to make the Cross Country team again for my senior year. But, why am I still so unhappy with everything? I have a loving mother who loves and would do anything for me. One who would turn the world around just to make me smile. Yet, the happiness isn’t found. Because all I still want and think about is you.

I have friends, best friends that love and support me with anything I choose. I am healthy and am able to play soccer and run cross country with my teams this season. College life is soon approaching and it is my time for the real world. It’ll be my time to start my life over again. Start fresh. Make new friends. The whole experience. Yet, that one name, ¬†that one person, can kill my mood with a single look. Some might say I am dumb for feeling this way. Some might even judge and talk about me. But, you cannot control what you feel. No one will ever understand another persons’ unhappiness.

The many memories spent together with happiness. The happy times. The pictures. The laughs shared. Even the heart filled moments. I remember the presence of what was once us. But everything went away. How could something so happy end? I wondered everyday how the ending of us happened. Then I remember the bad memories of what was once us. How I was treated. How he could act in public with me. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. The little things that he did affected me in ways that I still cannot get over. What  happened even scared me.

But, everything happens for a reason.

The time is now to start over. To be happy about anything that comes my way. I am only in high school. Life will go on. Its time to be happy and to be free. Not time to sit and think about the past and the one that got away. Everything happens for a reason, whether we believe it or not. It is not time to be sad, I only have a senior year in high school once. So why not enjoy it? I am a teenager, so lets have fun and make it last.